Uplifting my trans voice alongside my content

Growing up, I learned how to speak from the girls and women around me.

When I spoke, my voice would often rise in pitch at the end of the sentence, like a question, even if it was a statement.

I also internalized negative messages about speaking like this. The way I spoke did not sound confident to others. So then I worked on unlearning this voice that I had learned from others around me.

By the time I was an adult, I had little confidence in my speaking voice because it had been so much a work in progress for years. I didn't generally hear positive messages about the way I was talking.

I didn't see myself as accomplished in terms of voice, instead, I struggled with the basics.

Similarly with writing, I was very much an amateur writer. I was used to writing a lot of messages and emails and forum posts to people online. Email was my preferred form of communication for a while.

I was able to express my realizations about my gender identity in writing long before I started speaking it. I didn't have the confidence to tell people out loud, this is who I am, for a long time.

This is one of my challenges with voice training. I can physically learn the skills to change my voice. The part I'm still working on is developing the confidence to come out with my voice. I feel discomfort about disrupting the way people expect me to sound.

As I write this, I'm watching a Cooper's Hawk sitting right outside my window, with a blue jay screaming nearby. Birds can often be identified by their voice. I mean, some birds (like blue jays) will mimic other birds, but in general I can hear if a chickadee or blue jay is nearby without even having to see them.

So kind of like a chickadee reveals itself when it says "chicka-dee-dee-dee-dee" I feel like I'm revealing my history (and hangups) whenever I speak.

Telling someone no, actually, I'm not a woman, I'm a transmasc non-binary person - that's coming out. But changing my voice to express myself differently is like a smaller but very frequent form of coming out.

People assume so much about not only my identity but my emotions also based on how I speak. If I speak in a masculine way, people are more likely to think I'm cross with them or in a bad mood. Maybe I haven't learned the right way to express my emotions in a more masculine way yet. But it's really hard to split the difference between confident yet friendly, and authoritative yet kind.

Enter: the customer service voice, this cheerful, chirpy, friendly, high pitched tone that says the customer is always right, and the person providing customer service is willing to comply.

When I leave behind the customer service voice, it's a small rebellion, a way of saying, I don't actually want to do what you tell me to do all of the time. This is why it's more difficult than simply lowering or relaxing your voice a little bit.

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I'd been blogging for several years, for a small, personal audience, just writing updates about what I was up to or what I found interesting. Then, I became a little more ambitious. I hoped to have some of my writing published. I started sharing my blog with a larger audience of people I didn't necessarily know.

Because reading about other people's experiences of being LGBTQ+ meant so much to me, I felt drawn towards expressing my experience and what I had learned so other people might benefit.

I'm always fascinated to hear someone else's experience because that's the only way I have to understand what they might be feeling. There can't be too many people talking about what being non-binary means to them. I love hearing folks share their stories. I collaborate with other people to platform their experiences as well.

One of the first pieces I reported, for Nick Jackson at The Postscript at the time, was about how to write about trans people with respect.

I felt passionately that this was important, and I really pushed myself to interview eight trans experts for this piece.

I felt like such an imposter, an amateur, and hoped I wasn't wasting their time too much. But everyone was so nice. I felt the understanding and support from these experts in the trans community even as I was barely out as trans myself.

Writing and speaking about trans people with respect has remained a foundation of what I teach.

Trans people are experts in our own experience

Writing about trans people with respect

Amplify RespectRey Katz

My most widely read essay so far was published in HuffPost, edited by Noah Michelson. I shared my experience of being harassed in a public bathroom for being gender non-conforming.

I Was Harassed in a Bathroom—My HuffPost Story

A scary experience in a public restroom became my published HuffPost essay. A candid reflection on safety, visibility, and trans experiences.

Amplify RespectRey Katz

Being questioned or bullied in a public restroom can be an unfortunately common experience for people who are gender non-conforming, including women with short hair.

I received messages from a lot of people who related to what I was saying. And for the people who have never had an issue using a public bathroom, hopefully reading this piece might give them more empathy for people who are gender non-conforming.

During my experience in that bathroom, my hair and clothes caused people to wonder if I was a male, but my voice actually played a large role to identify me as well.

A man stepped into the women's bathroom and called out to me, "Are you a male or female in there?"

I was really scared, because I didn't know what he was planning to do. I felt like I had to say something. I was stressed, my chest was compressed, my larynx was up high in my throat, so when I said "hello," in response, I had a high, scared, childish voice. The man in the bathroom had no doubt I was "a female" based on my voice, so he left me alone.

If I had been able to use a voice that more accurately represents my identity, it probably wouldn't have helped me in that situation. It was more helpful that the man assumed I was a young woman based on my voice and left me alone.

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I started taking on teaching and leadership roles. I became a tech manager, started leading aikido classes occasionally, and started creating videos as part of my online content. These were all difficult and scary at first. My voice was the most uncomfortable part.

When I wrote down words, I didn't have to worry about tone of voice or how relaxed my body was. But although it was uncomfortable to talk, I realized that I want to teach, help, and lead in these ways and to do so I need to speak out loud regardless of what my voice sounds like. And so I did, even if I thought my voice didn't represent my identity.

I started learning about how to train my voice to sound more masculine. I expected that I'd learn techniques to make my incorrect voice sound better. But trans voice teacher Renée Yoxon's courses - Masculinize Your Voice Without Testosterone and Trans Vocal Exploration - changed my mindset.

(This is not sponsored / not an ad)

In the course, I realized that many people struggle with their voice, whether they are trans or not, but also many people accept and love their voice whether or not it conforms to some stereotype of their identity.

I learned that it's really hard to change the voice you have, and that you have to work within the physical limitations of the instrument of your body. Renée's courses really helped me understand and accept the voice that I have, as well as teaching techniques to change my voice gradually over time if I wanted to.

There's a huge range of non-binary voices, there is no one way to be trans, and whatever voice you have now is valid. I'm so glad I learned it's possible to appreciate my voice that I have now.

I'd internalized a lot of messages in my life telling me that my voice is not correct, from myself, from other people, from the media. I assumed I should not feel confident in the way my voice sounds.

But then Renée's course changed my life. I realized I can be accepting and supportive of myself with my voice as it is right now.

That allowed me to take the next step of continuing to work on and become more confident in my voice but from a position of strength: I'm good with what I have right now, but how can I be even better?

This positive mindset is helpful in martial arts as well. I'm constantly trying to improve my aikido technique, but with the understanding that I'm doing okay right now, and maybe I can learn to do it better.

It doesn't help to feel terrible about yourself while you're learning to be confident with your martial arts practice or your voice or anything else.

I really appreciated gaining that understanding about voice and being able to listen clearly to my own voice for the first time.

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I've been writing and speaking online about trans experiences including my own since 2021.

I believe everyone has a story to tell. I hope that by continuing to share uplifting and informative stories I can inspire others to know you are not alone and to feel supported in sharing your own stories.

What's a story only you can tell? It can be big or small! Please let us know in the comments!