How to Respect Yourself

Hi friends,

The new theme—respect—of my newsletter reboot came out of the essays I’ve published over the last few years. I’ve reported on how to write about trans people with respect and how to write about nonbinary people with respect. I’ve shared my martial arts journey learning to respect my gender identity.

Respect is a core value of mine, even when engaging with YouTube or TikTok commenters. If someone shares something inflammatory, I either delete it immediately or I think, how can I respond to this offensive bullcrap in the most respectful way possible? Is there a question I can ask? How can I better understand the viewpoint of someone very different from me?

If I can extend the courtesy of asking questions to an enraged stranger on YouTube, surely, I can treat myself to the same act of service.

How—and why—should we respect ourselves?

In Kokikai Aikido, Sensei’s encouragement for how to get better is, “don’t beat others—beat yourself.” I believe you need to respect yourself (as a martial arts opponent or otherwise) to get better in your craft. You must be your own worthy challenger, worth training to surpass.

To respect yourself as a person, first, find things you are proud of about yourself. These can be small, at least to start out with. Maybe you’re good at finding funny memes to send to your friends. Maybe you’re good at cooking noodles. Maybe you are able to keep working on a writing project for five minutes at a time while taking care of your kids. Maybe you’re a good caretaker. Maybe you’re able to spot interesting wildlife out in the woods. Maybe you found an effective way to stretch your legs while lying down. Maybe you asked for the support you need.

This is important. Come up with three things you are proud of yourself for. I don’t care how tiny. Three things you are proud of. Then say, “I respect myself.”

Yes!!

Self-respect can help you move forwards and feel better about yourself and others.

It’s pretty common to feel like you’re not enough. Imposter syndrome is one way this manifests. At a work event one time, the presenter asked us to raise our hands if we had ever experienced imposter syndrome. I raised my hand and looked around. Everyone’s hand was in the air. We were all looking around and nodding.

If everyone gets imposter syndrome, feeling inadequate is not a good metric for how capable you actually are.

Here’s a tactic I like for respecting yourself and your work: set aside a time to celebrate wins with another person once a week. Both people can share their wins and celebrate. If you have a regular 1:1 with a manager, that can be a good time for work-related wins. This can be a good activity to do with a friend or partner.

If you’re a writer, and people say nice things about your work, screenshot those comments and save them! I have a doc called “People saying nice things” which is lovely to read through once in a while.

If you’ve enjoyed this issue of Amplify Respect, please, do me a favor - share this with a friend. If any part particularly resonated with you, copy a quote or take a screenshot and share it on social media. I’d love to get the word out.

Thanks so much for reading my newsletter. It means a lot to me.

Take care,

Rey